Author: fadingpink_7vw07t

The month of April has been a wild couple of years. :]
There is a lot going on, within and without.
Here are some of the happenings of the month, in no particular order…

*I participated in the San Diego City College Student Symosium and presented my Pecha Kucha-esque presentation live. I remember that I called in public speaking opportunities last year. As nervious as I was to publicly speak, I am now focusing on the fact that I didn’t bomb. I did have some trouble with the clicker but that’s another story. My presentation was titled, Unearth and Liberate Yourself. I shared my own transformational journey and tied it back to the importance of Chicanx Studies classes and more specifically, to Historian as a Curandera by Levins-Morales.

*I’m still waiting to hear back as to whether or not I get to graduate this semseter, my transcipts are still being evaluated… I haven’t applied to CSUSM, the deadline was once again extended, this time until the 30th of the month. I’m unsure whether or not I’ll try to apply… Hanging out at City College feels comfortable. I like the people here and don’t feel quite ready to join a University in a Brick and Mortar capacity yet… Is it fear, self-doubt, or my inablity to realize my innate worth at this time that has me on the fringes? I think yes, all of the above…

*In this moment, I’m in a bit of survival mode. I don’t like that I am here but I also realize that I am safe and I’m trying to stay centered in this knowing but it is freakin’ hard. I betrayed myself and I don’t know how to get back from this and right this wrong… I am working on it. Trying so freakin’ hard and failing miserably… I have reached out for help from those who I think can assist me through this. I feel supported in this except by the person who represents (but is in no way related to the damage) caused. She is literally a representative of the establishment, according to technology, she saw my message but didn’t reply. I expected better from her and maybe that’s on me… I was in shock when I messaged but even then, I knew that I was feeling ab it off about how she would respond. Her lack of resonse is also an answer, I suppose. I reached out again this morning but won’t try with her again beyond that. I will however, do what I need to in order to honor myself and to ensure that this doesn’t go unaddressed.

Class is starting soon, I ought to get going and settle in… I’m in freakin’ tears… Listening to a recording of Yaima’s show this past Saturday. This is legit balm for my soul. I am so grateful that I got to sit in ceremony after the event that has me shaken… My intention for the ceremony was to heal, to honor little Me, and to forgive the parts of me that don’t yet know how to act in my best interest… I won’t continue to act from a place of survival.

Public Action – Federal/ICE Field Office

On Saturday, March 8th, 2025 dozens of people rallied outside of the Federal Building in Downtown San Diego. The Demonstration was organized by board members of The Centro Cultural de la Raza who put a call out to the community to join them. The program included speakers from various community organizations, such as SDCC MEChA, Association for Raza Educators, Danzantas Concheras, and it included two community protest actions. 

The aim was to bring awareness to and stand in solidarity with immigrants, particularly women whose families have been torn apart by racist immigration laws and policies. Many of these women face further discrimination, different forms of abuse, and some even die while in ICE custody. The protest actions called out by name and denounced the structural and systemic violence against women and the complicity of the state which further perpetuates that violence. 

For me, the most impactful speaker was an older Indigenous woman who was there with a cohort of young tweens-young women, bringing awareness to Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women (MMIW). We held a 14-second moment of silence in honor of Emily Pike, a 14 year-old girl whose remains were very recently discovered. She highlighted the fact that while Indigenous women make up about 1% of the population in the U.S., they are the largest group of people to go missing. What I infer from this fact is that Indigenous women are being targeted. I feel that the U.S. government is largely at fault for allowing these atrocities to continue, the perpetrators surely know that these cases don’t get the attention they deserve from the State or the media.

Being a part of this action allowed me to be in a space and community with others who are calling for the end of ICE Raids and the separation of families. It was an opportunity to exercise my First Amendment right, especially at a time when our fundamental rights are being threatened by this new administration. It was a welcomed opportunity to rekindle my activist light and see where I might be able to align myself in the Movement.

On a personal level, the best part was getting to see some of the comrades I used to organize with many years ago, most of whom I’d lost contact witht. This event was also an opportunity for me to practice how to stand in my power, and not allow past experiences to dictate my current state of existence. A previous version of myself would have been too intimidated to show up because for a variety of justified reasons. I’m grateful that this version of me decided to show up and participate in the event as I was called to. Completely in the moment, without a care about who was watching or what they thought of me. I know I’m being vague, this is intentional to not go into outdated stories.

I originally wrote this entry as an extra credit assignment for my Chic. 110 class. I really am trying to make a post at least once per month but life’s been wicked busy and will only get busier before it slows down some, after the last week of April. So here is an entry for the month of March. Hopefully another one will follow before the end of the month.

Life makes more and less sense all day, every freakin’ day lately. I am working with a new therapist, Xaime. He/They made a profound comment during our first session that got my hamster wheel spinning in a way that made me uncomfortably comforted. “Let us have Vulnerability take us places we have never been,” he said in such a tone and in a way that I knew he saw me and my struggle with being seen. Ah… Jessica, my Embodied Dreamworks Instructor described what seeing me was like for her so well, something along the lines of seeing me scratching my way out of those depths. I’m not one to appreciate being seen but I really enjoyed being seen by her. Especially in the beautifully acknowledging way in which she did. I’m taking her class again, starting in a few weeks, I’m so stoked to continue this journey. This is an integral part of my healing and life path, I know it in my soul, at my core, without an ounce of doubt.

I love that I have Mikel Jollet’s talk on Trauma and Creativity coming up on 04 April to look forward to. I’m traveling East to attend this talk. My friend,

*18Feb2025 21:27

Last Modified 2023/03/26 at 5:5

I came across this draft that has been sitting here forgotten for nearly two years. I no longer work with Xaime, due to insurance providers and coverage. Our time together was short and I’m grateful that our paths crossed.

I ended up taking the Dreamworks class twice, each time great for a different reason. I learned a lot of helpful tools that I have used in my life. I feel that the tools and practices that I adopted as a result of that class really helped me to trust myself more deeply. It helped me gain confidence in how I present in the world and was an overall great experience. I have been thinking that I would benefit greatly from working with my dreams again. The struggle to have a legitimate spiritual/self-care/ritual practice is real… But so is the commitment, so I focus on the progress. 🙂

I traveled to Massachusets and planned for a single Trauma and Creativity Talk and was super stoked that there were two talks, one at Harvard and one at Williams. I flew out to Boston and stayed with my friend who took a few days off from work to spend the time with me. It was a surreal experience to get to listen to Mikel make sense of some of the experiences that I could never fully express or even understand about growing up “orphan” though my parents were alive… Anyhow, it was really fun to visit my friend, and meet one of her besties whom I wanted to meet since I first heard about him at 16 years old. He was just as welcoming and chill as I had imagined, I’m glad that Renee and him have each other as life-long friends…

As I type this, I am watching the Williams interview. My attention is being called there.

A few weeks ago, I made a commitment with Myself, several actually but this is one I’ll share here. I committed to posting an entry at least once per month, more frequently if I’m able to. I’m still working on balance and discipline, but choosing to truly commit to prioritizing certain activities in my life is helping with structure and follow-through on my end. We moved earlier in the month, officially a couple of weeks ago. We are still unpacking and as we do, I’m taking the time to truly integrate the things I am keeping. As I can, I am also continuing to let go of things that can be of better use or benefit to my community. These compounding choices are creating outlets for the frustration and intensity of life in the U.S these days.

Lists!

I don’t know that I knew that I enjoy making lists but as I go through some of my stuff, I see that a lifelong pattern for as long as there is recorded evidence, I have been a list writer. I write lists for tasks, goals, things I’ve done. I make lists of words, of questions I would ask if I had more (or any) time with certain people, and so on. There was a lot of self-discovery this past month, most of it is what I’d classify as “positive” if were operating that way in this moment. In the interest of time, I’ll write a few lists that are swirling in my mind here now…

• Things I’m Proud Of:
• Rescuing two dogs from the cold streets of La Rumorosa, Baja Ca!
• Cutting back on my MMJ smoking and donating the funds to those who are doing good in this world.
• Putting together 50+ Warmth Packages and 75+ meals for some unhoused folks in Tijuana!
• Prioritizing work more than I have in years.
• Finding ways to be of service in moments when things feel helpless.
• Reading The Island of the Blue Dolphins with my spouse after decades of saying I wanted to re-read it.
• Listening to Los Sueños de La Niña De La Montaña and currently reading along with the Audiobook!
  
• Notable Moments:
• Rescuing Two Pups!!!
• Hanging out with my Adult, going on thrifting and coffee dates! Having real conversations again and working on our relationship!!!
• Going camping with my spouse, making the best of our time together. Even after we accidentally locked ourselves out of the van… We made a great campfire that night!
• Moving out and in the process letting go of so many tangibles. We donated several bins to a thrift store. Donated items to our community. Took blankets, shoes, and clothes to the unhoused in Tijuana.
• Going on a Discovery Flight with my spouse in support of their goals and dreams.
• Being invited to and attending a significant birthday party.
• Having lunch with a dear friend whom I once considered a pseudo-dad and realizing that our time together may soon reach its end. His privilege and my communities’ (yes plural) oppression can’t coexist harmoniously.

January, 7th, 2023 – Crown Point, San Diego

The month of January is almost over. My focus for this month has been to move from the stagnation I was in. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, making plans, and applying action toward a more sustainable future for myself. Dr. Duvall, my therapist, feels like a cheerleader. She and I are finally tackling some of the heavy stuff that up to now has been too much for me to even think about. It is heavy but the load is getting lighter the more I talk about it and sit with the feelings that accompany a story like mine.

I’m short on time but here are some of these month’s wins:

*I took my MBLEx, 20 years after completing my program and I passed! Heck yah!
*I started a Dreamworks class with this wonderful instructor. I haven’t been able to recall my dreams much since my son died but her tips and tricks are helping with that. I need to come back and make an entry about this class. For now, I’ll say that this class is profound and the best gift that I have ever given myself. I look forward to the next six weeks of tools and learning.
*My pack and I are all in therapy and tending to our health the best we have in a long, long time. Living life has never been my forte but since I’m here, I may as well make the best of it and there is nothing better than being healthy and moving freely in my own body. Health and fitness are a big goal for this quarter!
*I am learning to run a coffee cart!!! A dream of mine is to have my own cart and I’m finally taking action toward that goal by volunteering at this awesome community space. Today was day one and I am already so grateful for the people I’ve met and the opportunity to get closer to my aspirations.

There are still many struggles carrying into next month but I feel confident that in time those too will dissipate. So, what are some of the struggles you overcame in the past month? Tell me about some of your wins!

Yesterday, 08.19.2022- we celebrated – four years since this little lady here entered our lives and made us a pack. We got her on Clear The Shelter Day. I sincerely believe that this lass and I were meant to find each other. She freakin’ ran away from her home of nearly eight years, only to end up at the pound the day before we scoped out the available pups for adoption the next day. The moment I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the one. My kid and spouse both had other preferences which we explored but those other two yappy, pissy pups never stood a chance. We met three dogs and it was decided as a family unit that this girl was the one for us!!! Her name used to be something that started with a W and ended with a Y, it was a silly name for such a timeless gem of a dog. So we changed it to something more fitting. The pound informed us that she had just ran away two days prior and that when they called her previous humans, they alluded to her being a runner and that they really couldn’t deal with that anymore and so she stayed at the pound…. Thank goodness for those nimwits because our REBELlious lady is where she was always meant to be, with me!

Prior to Rebel, I’d never had the fortune of sharing my life with a four-legged friend. I had no idea the amount of work that they require. Or how dogs are the best people to have around! She is the best snuggler, an awesome listener, super loyal, and honestly has the best vibes. She has taught me so much but most of all, she’s taught me that if we are given the option to make up for lost time, we should take the opportunity and take it as far as we can. She is not afraid to ask for love, to demand it at times if we get caught up in the rat race. She makes the most out of her walks, puppy park visits, and if ever she is not on her leash, she will freakin’ make a run for it ‘cos this wild spirit of hers just can’t be tamed.

On our wedding day, she ran straight into the bay, my spouse had to run in behind her. About 10 minutes or so later, both of them were rescued by the Coast Guard. There is clearly so much more to that story but the point is that Rebel’s wild spirit just can’t be tamed and I am so grateful for that because she is a reminder for me to also stay wild!

PS: Since bringing Rebel home, we have had three other pups join the pack. Estrellita joined us right after our kid graduated high school, right before they moved out. She is a super cute chihuahua with less than a handful of teeth but plenty of bite. She and our kid moved back to SoCal last August and seems to enjoy that city life despite being a country pup. Piper was adopted by my kid and their BFF. She was a beautiful tan chihuahua who had spent most of her life being a breeder dog until she was rescued. She passed away peacefully less than one month after joining our pack. During her time with the pack, she learned to walk on a leash, play with stuffies, and went from being a nervous wreck to one of the biggest instigators I have ever met. I am sure she was ready to rest her little body after all the years she’d been used by inhumane humans. The last pup to join our pack was Ariel, she loves to be where the people are, hence the name. When we go to the puppy park, she immediately runs away and goes to kiss all the human faces and jump on all the laps. She is 3 years old but by the way she acts, one would think she is just a young pup. She came to us 17 months ago. She was left behind by someone’s girlfriend after he went to jail and according to the person we adopted her from (whom we’ve befriended) she’d spent most of her days in a crate for at least 8 hours a day. Ariel in many ways is still a pup but she has grown so much and we look forward to seeing in what other ways she will continue to flourish!

Happy 4th year with us, Rebel! Thank you for teaching us humans and your puppy successors to chill out and enjoy the good puppy life. We freakin’ love you so much! Bestest Pup!

My family and I have made the trek to the Pacific Northwest. Our own version of the Oregon Trail which coincidentally has been one of my daughter’s favorite games for quite some time. Life is freakin’ hectic, to say the least, but all feels as though it is falling into place and settling nicely. Yesterday we had our first and quite possibly, our last bonfire in our yard. Just as we got our fire going nice and toasty, the fire department showed up to let us know that this is a no go around this neck of the woods. It makes total sense but it was a sad moment in time for sure. Today my daughter and I went to WinCo and found agave and all sorts of other fun stuff in their bulk section, we will definitely be back to explore soon. Anyhow, I have 39 days to complete 3 classes, I have to get back to that. Happy Friday!

I have a question for you.

How are you making today a great day?