It has been 11 years and four days since my son took his last breath. Just as I, for a very long time didn’t see myself aging/living past 40 years old; I never saw myself living a decade after he left this plane. 11 years later and here I still am. It is truly not easy, year round, he is missed and it feels like a piece of myself is missing too. But in May, it is exceptionally hard to do the things that need to get done. It is especially painful and uncomfortable to exist. My skin crawls, especially on my back. My neck, occiput, shoulders, and jaw tense up more than usual. The crying is unpredicatable and at times, disorienting. Yah, May has been rather difficult. On top of it being the anniversary month of passing, there are a lot of significant birthdays this month.
In the 11 years since my son passed, I haven’t felt a resolution on his passing, his service, or anything really. I’ve had to move on but haven’t had closure. I do think this must affect my grieving and healing process. Likewise, this must also have an affect on my son’s energy to make its way in the upward spiral without being walked home…
This year, the anniversary of his passing was on a Wednesday, just like the day he passed away. This year, my Danza Capitana offered to hold a ceremony in honor of my son’s passing. It was beautiful, her son, our Heredero helped guide me thorugh the levantamiento de la cruz. I and my spouse worked together to create a flower out of carnations, I got to learn about some sacred processes/rituals. I lit the candles, and we sang songs. It was so beautiful and quite frankly, I had a hard time getting comfortable accepting that this ceremony was for my son’s soul but really, it was also for me. It was a very humbling and moving experience to see how many people showed up. Some may have just showed up out of obligation to the group, to learn what they can about ceremony, or whatever other ulterior motive but in the end, everyone in attendance offered to the energy of the moment. It was a beautiful ceremony and I am so grateful, honored, humbled, and in awe of how my life continues to unfold. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams and prayers.
